Hello

I was originally baptized Catholic as an infant, and only attended the Catholic church. As I grew up, I identified as being a Christian and thought I was saved, but, let me tell you, I started to realize that was far from the truth. For most of my life, I struggled with numerous mental illnesses including depression, anxiety, and was later diagnosed with PTSD and BPD resulting from traumas I had experienced at a young age. These traumas had a major impact on me as I started to experience panic attacks and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Due to the way I was feeling I started to self-harm and struggle with the thought of suicide. This also led to my behaviour of acting out, being disrespectful, and rebellious. This rebellious behaviour put me into situations that I could not control, including having a gun pointed at me, being drugged, and being raped at 13. I had reached rock bottom and had no idea how to deal with all of this in my life, so the time came that I decided to end my life. I overdosed on a prescription medication I found at home, but God was with me as a friend called an ambulance and my life was spared. Although I was spared, the self-harm continued as I had nowhere to go and no one I could talk to other than God who I was begging to help end my life. I was in and out of different schools, saw many doctors, and the police knew who I was because of my behaviour. Eventually at 17 I became pregnant with my daughter, and it was at this time that I believe God blessed me with her, to save my life. My daughter, who I named Anastasia, gave me the motivation I needed to change my life for the better. I completed high school, attained my license, and applied for university. I began attending church consistently and prayed daily. However, several years later I found myself starting to backslide into my previous behaviour… Falling away from the church, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and moving out. All while pursuing a job in law, maintaining a house and being a mom. Very slowly my depression and anxiety crept back into my life and was once again I was on anti-depressants and doctors suggested I take time off from school. I kept pushing aside all the pain, hurt, and traumas I had experienced instead of confronting them. I found God putting me through many trials and tribulations and I couldn’t figure out why. Why did he keep me around; this led me to feel angry that he would let me suffer through all of this. That’s when I decided to sever all relationship with Him and tell myself I didn’t need Him in my life, I was fine without Him. After trying to get help through trauma programs, and doctors (and not getting much further) just sinking to the point where my job and home life were on the line, I decided I should try to reach out to God again. Why would he help me, why would he bother with me after the kind of person I have become and all the things I have done? I learned that God forgives us of our sins and loves us unconditionally. He began to answer my prayers and gave me grace in my job and home life. It was at this point that I felt the change happening, the Holy Spirit began to open my eyes and soften my heart. Suddenly a lightbulb went off and I realized there was a direct correlation between my relationship with the Lord and the strength and favour I was granted through difficult times. Slowly I started making the changes in my life that I had needed to make so long ago. By the summer of 2018 the Holy Spirit convicted me to solidify my commitment to Christ by getting re-baptized. As of today, I am still on my journey battling anxiety, but I am at a place where I have hope, peace, and faith. He continues to strengthen me and provide for me through my trials which will allow me to build the character needed to fulfill the divine purpose he has set out for me. If you are struggling, just remember our God is so merciful, gracious, and loving no matter how horrible you think you may be or the choices you have made in your life. Life may get tough, but God has a purpose for your life, and He wants to set you free, all you must do is seek Him.

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